Another new feature...Look out for quiz questions every Tuesday and Friday
How are the following things connected?
1) Four Horsemen 2) Divorce
Extra bonus point if you can name which of the horsemen is the worst?
I will provide the answer tomorrow.
image credits: Mohamed_hassan/pixabay
4. Contempt
Contempt is the most dangerous of all of the four horsemen.
At minimum, it is very mean, and at worst, it becomes emotional
abuse.
According to Gottman's research,
contempt has shown to be the biggest indicator of divorce.
It also has been connected to health issues for the partner the contempt is directed toward, including a lower immune system.
Contempt is criticism supercharged
because it takes a one-up position of
superiority.
When people have contempt,
they are expressing their discontent by utilizing shame and mean-spirited
sarcasm to put someone down.
You can notice contempt on someone's face when they move one side of their face up-think of it as a "half disgust" face.
from : Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, is a Philadelphia-based marriage and family therapist, certified Gottman therapist, and author of Want This To Work.
I didn't have a clue what the answer was so I really enjoyed reading this and learning more. This is a fun feature and I hope you continue it!
The antidote: Contempt is developed through modeling or long-standing resentment. Some people learn to be contemptuous because they saw their caregivers utilize contempt in conflict. Because of this, it's their go-to when they are upset. For others, contempt has developed within the relationship in response to long-standing resentment or betrayal. Rather than utilizing contempt, you'll need to work on building new communication skills to discuss your upset feelings. Specifically, you'll need to learn to talk about yourself rather than the other person when in conflict. The ultimate goal is to be able to use gentle startup (discussed with criticism above), but at first you might just focus on being able to narrate your inner world instead of attacking the other person. That might sound like: "Right now, I can feel myself being so angry. I want to say so many angry things to you, but I know it won't go well. I really need us to figure out how to fix this." Another important antidote and protective factor for contempt is building a culture of appreciation. This means being sure to notice what your partner is doing right and expressing that to them when you see it as often as you can.